Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Operation Purity has been aborted
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
