saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
