This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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