ugly people sure do ruin things
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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