I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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