so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
