I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
