A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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