Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
