Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
