you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
