i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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