the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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