I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
