A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
