Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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