So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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