We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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