if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
