So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
