eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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