it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
