..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
