not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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