I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
