dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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