I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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