fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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