you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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