my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
