gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
