You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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