i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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