I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
