I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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