True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
