After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
