now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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