At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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