just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He better not be in your backpack
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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