There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
