Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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