i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
