The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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