in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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