I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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