Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
