afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I FOUND THE LEGS
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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