i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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