if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
