my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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