Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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