I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
