The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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